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Frequently
Asked Questions
What
are the laws of mourning?
The laws of mourning include the
following:
1.
Sitting shiva. The
word “shiva,” of course, means seven in Hebrew, and refers to the
seven days (beginning the day of the funeral) that we are to stay in the
house and to receive friends and family there.
This should take place in the house of the deceased, if possible,
because tradition teaches “the spirit of the deceased is more easily
felt in his or her home.” One
is permitted to leave the home for emergencies, and to conduct one’s
work only if serious financial hardship to our family will occur if we do
not go to our place of employment. The
point of this practice and many mourning practices is to help us face our
true feelings of being in mourning—most intensely during the first week,
and in stages, less intensely afterwards—by not returning to
“business as usual” right after the funeral, as if nothing happened.
Our loved one deserves the honor of our paying attention to our
feelings of loss, and we need to pay attention to these feelings as well
if we hope to emerge from the ordeal of mourning without more sadness than
is normal. I measure of
healing can occur during the week of shiva, and many congregants have
shared with me that indeed shiva “worked” for them.
I have found that the more a congregant is involved with the CSI
community, the more shiva “works” for them.
The reason is that when an involved member is sitting shiva, many
of their friends from services, adult education classes, etc., come and
davven with them and visit with them. The warm feeling of belonging to a community that cares for
one has remarkable qualities of love and healing.
One detail about sitting shiva that is apparently not well known:
The mourner is to sit in a low chair or bench not in order to
inflict discomfort upon him or herself, but in order to be closer to the
earth in which the loved one is now buried.
In Israel, it is common for mourners to sit on mattresses or sofa
cushions which have been placed on the floor.
In this country, the cardboard “benches” provided by funeral
homes are meant to serve the same purpose.
Our congregation is fortunate to possess four bridge chairs, whose
legs have been shortened for this purpose, thanks to the handiwork of one
of our long-term members.
2.
Reciting Kaddish. The
Kaddish does not mention mourning or death.
It is a prayer of praise of God, and it expresses the fact that God
is “l’eyla min kol birkhata veshirata tushbekhata…,” that God is
“beyond all blessings and songs and praises…,” that we may say of
Him. In other words, God and
all He does, including His involvement in life and death, are beyond our
comprehension, and yet we praise Him because in general, life still
contains much beauty and goodness for us.
The Kaddish is said first at the burial service at the cemetery.
It is to be said at every service we attend as follows: mourners
for a parent recite Kaddish for eleven months.
Mourners for the other relatives recite it for “sheloshim,”
that is, for thirty days. Why
the difference in the length of time?
Among the many reasons, the most logical to me is that the
parent-child relationship is given priority because the Ten Commandments
mentions only this relationship as worthy of special attention.
The reason we don’t recite Kaddish for a full year for a parent,
only eleven months, is related to an interesting tradition.
One midrash teaches that the longest punishment any wicked person
will have to suffer in the afterlife will be one year long.
Furthermore, according to this midrash, the recitation of the
Kaddish helps relieve the punishment of souls in the afterlife.
Therefore, no one recites the Kaddish for a parent for a full year,
lest anyone assume that our parent is among the worst of the wicked, is
being punished for a full year, and needs the help the Kaddish can afford.
My main feeling is that the
Kaddish does two things: It
gives us a chance to focus our thoughts on praising God for the good times
we had with our loved one, and it is also an opportunity to try and unite
our soul for a moment or two with the soul of our loved one who is no
longer living.
3.
Not attending parties. This
restriction too applies in different lengths of time depending on the
relative we are mourning. For
parents, it applies for a full year.
For all other relatives, it applies just for “sheloshim”
(thirty days). The idea is to
avoid parties, especially those with music, out of respect for the memory
of our loved one. It would
not be right to attend parties with music as if we have not recently
suffered such a loss.
Now, I said earlier that we are obligated to observe these three
aspects of the laws for only these relatives, therefore, one may think,
for other relatives (e.g. grandparents, father-in-law or mother-in-law,
etc.) we are permitted to say Kaddish.
While this is true, in general I discourage those who are not
obligated to say Kaddish from reciting it.
The reason is that the Kaddish is a very powerful prayer.
Everyone, even those less learned, know that it is the mourners’
prayer. I believe that it is
wise to reserve it for those intense times in our lives when we are
obligated to say it because we have suffered the loss of an immediate
relative.
If you would like to know more details of the laws of mourning, you can
consult the appropriate chapter in a book that should be on the bookshelf
of every Conservative Jew, A Guide to Jewish Religious Practice, by
Rabbi Isaac Klein. This book
treats most areas of Jewish law from a Conservative perspective.
There is also the book, The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning
by Rabbi Maurice Lamm. This
is a comprehensive book-length presentation from a modern Orthodox
viewpoint.
What
does it mean to be a Kohen (sometimes spelled Cohen) or Levi?
Each of us belongs to one of these
three tribes. But which?
How do we know?
The Kohanim (plural of
Kohen) are direct descendants of the Kohanim (priests) in the days when
the ancient Temple stood in Jerusalem.
They are therefore direct descendants of Aaron, Moses’ brother,
our first High Priest. All of
Aaron’s sons were automatically Kohanim, and one of them became the
Kohen Gadol (High Priest) when their father died. That process continued for as long as the Temple in Jerusalem
stood (until 70 C.E.). Since
then, the descendents of Aaron became only Kohanim (priests); there were
no more Kohanim Gedolim (High Priests).
Since Moses and Aaron were members of the tribe of Levi, the
Kohanim are a subset of the Levi’im (the plural of Levi).
The Levi’im (plural of Levi) are descendents of the tribe of Levi who,
at the time the Temple stood, were the assistants who served the Kohanim
(priests). They were
intimately involved in Temple sacrifice and provided the vocal and
instrumental music in the Temple.
The Yisra’elim (plural
of Yisrael, meaning “Israelite”) are the rest of us, the “common
man.”
Despite the fact that the
Temple has not stood in Jerusalem for nearly two millennia, and that
therefore the Kohanim and Levi’im have not assumed their priestly role
in nearly two millennia, we continue to carefully note who does and does
not belong to these two tribes.
Designation as a Kohen or
Levi is passed down through the male members of the family.
If you are the son of a Kohen or Levi, you are a Cohen or Levi for
life, as will be your male children.
For you and your sons, your Hebrew name will always end with the
word Hakohen (“the Kohen”). Female
children of a Levi or Kohen are known as “bat Levi” or “bat Kohen”
A (that is, the daughter of a Levi or daughter of a Cohen), but do not
pass this designation on to their children.
So the real issue about which tribe you belong to is whether or not
your male ancestors were Kohanim or Levi’im.
If you’re not sure,
there are a couple of good ways to check.
First, you can ask the older members of your family or you can
search through Jewish family documents (Bar Mitzvah certificates or
ketubot, for example) for your father or grandfather’s full Hebrew name.
If they were Kohanim, their full Hebrew name will end “Hakohen.”
If they were Levi’im, their full name will end “Halevi.”
If all else fails, a trip
to the cemetery where your male ancestors are buried will usually end the
detective work. Not only will
each person’s full Hebrew name be inscribed on the tombstone, but there
are often also symbols present on the tombstones of Kohanim and Levi’im
that refer to their ancient Temple duties.
The tombstone of a Kohen will often be etched with a likeness of
two hands held up in the characteristic posture of the Priestly blessing.
The tombstone of a Levi often bears the likeness of the ewer or
pitcher used by the Levi’im to wash the hands of the High Priests in the
Temple.
What
does it mean to be a Kohen or Levi in the modern age?
The most noticeable difference has
to do with the blessings recited over the Torah before and after each
aliyah* is read during the Torah service.
The blessing over the first aliyah read at every Torah service is
reserved for a Kohen. If
there is no Kohen present who is known to the ushers, just before the
first aliyah the Rabbi asks from the bima if there is a Kohen or bat Kohen
present. The second aliyah is
reserved for a Levi. If there
is no Kohen present, a Levi is given the first aliyah and the rest go to
Yisraelim. If no Levi is
present, the first aliyah goes to the Kohen and the rest to Yisraelim.
If neither Kohen nor Levi is present, all aliyot are given to
Yisraelim.
Other differences?
In the Book of Exodus, we are told that our firstborn sons are
dedicated to the lifelong service of God in the Temple.
To free a first-born male from this obligation, the infant is
redeemed in a ceremony called a Pidyon Haben on the thirty-first day after
birth. A
first-born son of a Cohen or Levi is exempt from this ceremony because
they cannot be redeemed from their inherited duty to serve in the Temple.
Even though the Temple has not stood for nearly two millennia, we
continue this custom.
Also related to the
Cohen’s duties in the ancient Temple is the custom that Kohanim enter a
cemetery only for the burial of a member of immediate family members.
Since proximity to a corpse causes ritual impurity, a Cohen had to
avoid the cemetery so he would remain ritually pure and therefore able to
officiate in the Temple. Again,
we continue this custom to the present day.
If a Kohen attends a burial of someone outside his or her immediate
family, or wishes to visit a grave, he or she stands in a location just
outside the cemetery.
Finally, some
congregations ask their Kohanim to ascend the bima to bless the
congregation in a striking ritual during the repetition of the Shacharit
Amidah on certain occasions. This
is referred to as “the Priestly Blessing” and immediately precedes the
final paragraph of the Amidah. This
ritual is not practiced in our synagogue.
*The word aliyah comes
from the Hebrew word to go up and refers to both the section of the Torah
read at any one time, and to the blessings recited just before and after
the aliyah is chanted from the Torah.
What
is the proper way to behave when making a visit to a shiva home?
Performing the mitzvah of Nichum
Avelim, “consoling the mourners,” is the Jewish Community’s way of
providing support for its grieving members.
The Shiva visit may
include religious services, helping with household chores, or merely
sitting in silence with the mourner.
If the mourner speaks first, conversation about the deceased is
often comforting and should not be avoided.
The visit should not be turned into a social event among the
visitors.
Providing for the needs
of the mourners, especially the first meal, the Seudat Havra’ah, is part
of the community support. Friends
and neighbors may continue to provide meals for the whole shiva period.
Gifts may be given in
honor of the deceased. This
is most appropriately a gift to the deceased’s favorite tzedakah or to
his or her synagogue.
At the conclusion of a
visit, mourners are traditionally greeted in the home or synagogue with
the following words of condolence: Ha’makom y’nachem etkhem b’tokh
sh’ar avelei tzion virushalayim (May God comfort you among all those who
mourned for Zion and Jerusalem when they were destroyed…but never lost
hope nor faith).
How
are Bar and Bat Mitzvah dates assigned?
The following are the rules used by
the Ritual Committee to assign Bar and Bat Mitzvah dates:
1.
The Ritual Committee chairperson begins assigning dates at the end
of every summer. The
synagogue secretary prints a list of children who will begin 5th grade in
the fall, including children in the congregation’s Hebrew School and
children who attend Jewish day schools.
She then adds any other children who will become age 13 during the
year this year’s fifth graders will become Bar and Bat Mitzvah (through
the middle of December). This
list is published in the July/August Bulletin and members are asked to
contact the office with any changes.
2.
The synagogue secretary lists each child’s secular birth date and
the Ritual chairperson double checks that the dates are correct.
The Ritual chairperson converts those secular dates to Hebrew
dates. The secretary double
checks the conversion of dates.
3.
The Ritual chairperson assigns each child (male and female) the
first available Shabbat after the child's Hebrew 13th birthday. If two
children have birthdays such that they should be assigned the same
Shabbat, the child with the first birthday is given that Shabbat and the
child with the later birthday is assigned the next Shabbat.
4.
The following cannot be assigned:
•
both days of Rosh Hashanah
•
Yom Kippur
•
the first two and last two days of Passover
•
the first two days of Succot
•
the Shabbat between Yom Kippur and Succot (if there is one)
•
Shemini Atzeret
•
Simchat Torah
•
both days of Shavuot
•
the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
•
Thanksgiving weekend
•
the first Shabbat after Passover
•
the four weeks before Tisha B’Av
•
during the Rabbi’s vacation (usually 4 consecutive weeks during
the summer which may or may not be the same as the four weeks before Tisha
B’Av)
•
One or the other weekend during the winter school break can be
assigned, but not both.
•
Shabbatot between Passover and Lag Ba’omer will be assigned, but
families will be notified that "religious" family members and
friends may be unwilling to attend a party during those weeks of the
Sefirah.
•
The Shabbat before Passover can be assigned, but will be
very difficult for a family that maker their home kosher for Passover.
•
The Shabbat preceding the midnight Selichot service.
5.
We only hold Bar and Bat Mitzvah ceremonies when we hold a
regularly scheduled service with a Torah reading (i.e. Saturday morning or
Sunday morning Rosh Chodesh or Chanukah services).
We discourage Sunday morning ceremonies because so few guests are
familiar with the weekday service, and because there is no Haftarah
reading--only Torah reading (which is more difficult).
If a family nevertheless wants a Sunday Rosh Chodesh ceremony, the
service must start at the regularly scheduled 9 am time.
6.
Any child assigned a July or August date will also be given an
alternate date which will be the first available Shabbat after Labor Day
that has not already been assigned to another child.
7.
After the Ritual chairperson assigns the dates, they are reviewed
with the Rabbi, and then given to the secretary for typing.
8.
The meeting at which dates are distributed occurs in October or
November and is attended by parents of fifth graders, the Rabbi and the
Cantor. After the meeting,
families have one month to request a change of date.
Families assigned an alternate date have this same one-month period
to decide whether to take the July or August date or the alternate date.
Requests are submitted in writing to the Ritual Chairperson through
the synagogue office. At a
family’s request, a girl’s Bat Mitzvah ceremony can be assigned before
the 13th Hebrew birthday (but after the 12th Hebrew birthday).
A boy’s Bar Mitzvah ceremony may not occur before his 13th Hebrew
birthday.
9.
No requests for change of date are entertained before the original
assigning of dates or before the one-month waiting period after the
meeting with parents in which the dates are distributed.
After the one-month deadline for date change requests, the Ritual
Chairperson meets with a subcommittee of the Ritual Committee to consider
all the written requests for date changes.
This subcommittee will consist of the Chair and two additional
members of the committee (not including anyone who has submitted a date
change for that year). This
subcommittee makes a final decision on each date change request.
If more than one family request the same date, a Ritual
subcommittee assigns the dates based on the merits of the requests.
The Ritual chair checks these changes with the Rabbi, and then
notifies the families.
What
is the role of the Ritual Committee?
The
Ritual Committee exists primarily as a help and support for the Rabbi and
Cantor in providing for the ritual needs of the congregation. As is true in every Jewish congregation, our Rabbi is the
“mara d’atra,” the local authority (on Jewish law).
That is, he or she has ultimate authority for making ritual
decisions. That is as it
should be, since the Rabbi is by far the most Jewishly educated person in
the community. A Rabbi is, in
fact, hired by a congregation precisely because of his or her depth of
Jewish knowledge—something that has always been most highly esteemed in
the Jewish community.
When
a ritual decision is based on Jewish law, it is the Rabbi who decides
whether something is acceptable or forbidden.
If a ritual decision involves custom rather than law, or if a
decision is needed between two practices, which are both, acceptable by
law, then the Ritual Committee and the Rabbi discuss the issue, consult
the congregation, and ultimately vote to make a decision.
A good example of the latter would be a decision about whether
women should be required to cover their heads in our synagogue building.
There is no applicable Jewish law, so after a discussion with the
Rabbi, the Ritual Committee can vote on the decision.
On the other hand, if the Ritual Committee wanted to serve shrimp
cocktail at a Kiddush luncheon, something forbidden by Jewish law, the
Rabbi would overrule the committee.
Although
these kinds of ritual dilemmas do arise from time to time, the major work
of the committee is to care for the ritual life of the community by
assuring that our ritual objects (the Torah scrolls, siddurim, chumashim,
etc.) are well cared for, repaired or replaced as necessary; providing
ushers and gabbai’im for each service; preparing the details of the High
Holiday services; assigning Bar and Bat Mitzvah dates; seeing that the
kitchen is kept kosher, and all the other large and small details of the
congregation’s ritual life.
What
are the different ways of making a donation to the Ritual Committee?
Here
are the alternatives:
1.
If you want to donate a specific ritual item in honor of a special
occasion or in memory of a loved one, you can ask the ritual committee if
any specific item is needed. In
the recent past, people have donated kiddush cups and Torah mantles in
memory of a loved one, cloths to cover the Torah during parts of the Torah
service in honor of a B’nei Mitzvah or in memory of a loved one, a
tablecloth for the bimah in honor of a wedding anniversary, a Havdalah
set, a yad for the Torah, and so on.
If you are interested in making such a donation, please contact the
Ritual Committee chairperson.
2.
The prayer book fund. People
sometimes donate a Chumash or Siddur in honor of an occasion or in memory
of a loved one. When such a
donation is made (the donation covers the exact cost of the book--$20 for
a Siddur or $40 for a Chumash)—a bookplate is placed in a new book the
next time one is purchased for the congregation.
When donations are made to the prayer book fund in general rather
than for a specific book, a letter is sent to acknowledge the donation and
the donation is acknowledged in the next Bulletin.
3.
The Gail Levitt Ritual Fund. Donations
to this fund are used to purchase specific ritual items needed by the
congregation.
4.
The general ritual committee fund is used to pay for all aspects of
the yahrzeit candle mailings, to maintain our Torah scrolls, to replace
worn tallitot, to purchase Chumashim for our Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, to make
High Holiday preparations, and for miscellaneous ritual needs. All yahrzeit donations become part of this fund.
What
is Seudah Shelisheet?
Seudah Shelisheet is the third meal
of Shabbat. The first two
meals are each characterized by special rituals, foods, and songs, which
help us feel the spirit of Shabbat. Once a month during the fall and winter, we celebrate this
“third meal,” this light supper, communally.
We begin with a half-hour long Shabbat Mincha service in the
sanctuary, repair to the social hall for food, drink and singing, then
finish with Ma’ariv (the evening service) and a brief Havdalah service
over wine, a multi-wicked candle and spices.
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